We laid Kenny’s body to rest on Leap Day, 2016. Which means tomorrow is the first time I’ll face the date again. February 29th. The most unique day on the calendar. I keep thinking there is something totally Kenny about that.
I had just started making motivational post-its for myself with an inspirational message under each date. Enlivened & excited to feel healthier in my body & mind. Pumped for each day to arrive.
It was an ignorant bliss I will never again feel, no matter how much I heal. Assuming I had control over my life & this month would end as happily as it started.
For the 29th, I wrote a super cheesy message:
It’s an extra day! Leap for joy!
Instead, I wept in agony. On Leap Day & every day that followed that year.
I left those notes on our bathroom mirror & our February calendar on the wall for many months. I couldn’t bare to face time moving forward without him here. My life stopped, my sense of time shattered along with every other aspect of my life. It felt unreal that time was unaffected & I refused to participate in it continuing. Time was a torturous struggle through every second of pummeling pain & shock.
Four years later, I can tell you that time has lessened my agony. And that it doesn’t just take time. It has taken surrender & faith in God, countless hours of brutal work, the support of loving people & taking gentle care of myself. I still love Kenny & miss him every day.
Last Sunday, my pastor spoke about time & death. A timely message for me, as it so often is at my church. (If you want to hear it, you can listen here).
I’d had similar conversations with Kenny about God & time. How God’s sense of time differs from ours. How our existence on earth is really the blink of an eye. Recalling this, I felt a familiar pang of grief. Another reminder of how much I miss my talks with Kenny & hearing his unique understanding & perspective on life.
And simultaneously, I found comfort in being reminded that our time here is brief compared to eternity. That the time will come when we get to be together again. And we’ll all get so much more time together in our eternal home than we will on earth.
This is what I always hope people take away when I share my story:
Our entire lives can change in two seconds. Appreciate every day you get to wake up to be with the people you love. Cherish it in the moment as often as you can. The ones left behind always wish we would’ve had more time.